But dammit I cant help myself. Sure when I am away from her for a good period of time, I can use logic to coax myself out of these strange feelings. But whenever I am near her my reasoning seems to go straight out the window. Butterflies fill my stomach and my thoughts get all jumbled. I find myself being drawn to her. I always want to be near her and have her talking to me. Oh and then when she does talk to me, nay, have any sort of interaction with me I just about loose control. My heart starts to race so fast I think it might explode. Blood rushes to my head, my vision starts to cloud, my ears either ring or pound, and I feel like I could pass out. If it wasn't for the gallons of adrenaline coursing through my veins and making my limbs tingle, I think I might have. Thank God that it passes after a few minutes and is less severe when the time between our interactions is short. This can't be normal. Can it?
But this is just the beginning. Once my little panic attack subsides my outlook on things seems to change completely. She becomes, obviously, the center of my attention. Anything that held my interest before seems not all that important. Even other people become less interesting. Lets take for example this other girl I have liked for several years now. Lets call her the ideal girl. Somebody who I have thought about and have definitely approved of. I like spending time with her a lot and enjoy her personality greatly. Well lets just say that when the both of them are together and I am also there all the feelings I have for the ideal girl leave me. It doesn't make any sense. Is as if my world is turned upside down and at that moment I don't really care all that much. Because for that moment everything feels great.
Then of course the interaction between us stops by her either leaving or moving on to somebody else and my upside down little world falls right on its head. And it hurts. I get an incredibly hollow feeling inside of me that lasts relative to how long our interaction was and what was said or done during that time. During this time of hollowness I usually reflect on the time of interaction and scrutinize every detail. I beat myself up for stupid things I said or clever things I didn't say. Then it is finally over and i feel right as rain after... yeah right, I wish. I actually have really random withdrawals that could hit at any time. I find myself really wanting to be with her when she is not there and feel almost sick when I know I cant see her.
Now if you know me you may be thinking something along the lines of; this is a load of bull he doesn't act this way towards anybody. And you would be right. I don't act that way towards anybody because I am incredibly good at hiding it. If you were to watch me around this person, I would look and act the same had it been somebody else. I found that this person may have my insides ass backwards but my demeanor is much harder to crack. I am incredibly happy for this otherwise things would be really awkward and creepy between us. Although the scary thing is that I think the more time I spend with this person the more of an effect they have on me. The last time I saw her I almost spilled the bean sack wide open. It was one of the hardest things ever to say goodbye and not whisper the three little words that I was screaming on the inside.
I am sitting here contemplating whether I should just come right out and say who it is. But I know that I wont. I did however leave a clue somewhere in this post and or blog that she might, just might catch. Unlikely though which is why I allowed myself to put it there. I am surprised I even wrote this. I am also surprised that you cared to read all of it. If you are still reading, feel free to comment with any guesses, advice, or thoughts. Who knows it might even be you who this post is about.
